AN AMERICAN APOLOGY
After years of futile resistance to the enlightened intellectual elite of this country, truth itself forces me to acquiesce to the self-evident and undeniable; America is and always has been the cause of all evil in the world. Arriving at this erudite and urbane conclusion moves me to offer my most sincere, heartfelt apology for having committed the unforgivable crime of even being an American:
1) I apologize for the Marshall plan. I belong to a country that rebuilt all of its friends and enemies after the most destructive war in human history, sealing its position as the most merciful and compassionate war victor to ever wage war.
2) I apologize for the fact that the United States of America provides one-half of the relief food-aid in the entire world, and has done so for nearly a century, while also providing the vast majority of non-emergency food.
3) I apologize for America's leading role in the industrial revolution and its morbid obsession with new inventions and innovations that benefit all mankind.
4) I apologize for the presence of the US military in Europe, without which yet another genocidal juggernaut would be well underway on that violent continent (which is of course populated with our moral and cultural superiors).
5) I apologize for the fact that while America and Russia destroy nuclear material, the Russians do so with a reactor that America built and paid for.
6) I apologize for America's free provision of food to her mortal Cold-War arch-enemy, the Soviet Union, when it was on the verge of mass starvation during a 1972 famine. The food shipment saved millions of people.
7) I apologize for the fact that the vast majority of medical breakthroughs have come from the US during the last 70 years (at least).
8) I apologize for America's leadership in space exploration and her unobligated willingness to include other countries in the process, spreading advanced technology to the entire world.
Clearly, America is the bane of all humanity and must be loathed into oblivion. My absurd, indefensible position all along has been that America was and is sometimes right and sometimes wrong, usually good and sometimes bad. However, our noble, objective, transcendent, peace-loving academic community has elucidated the now obvious fact that America is always wrong all the time. True intellectuals know this, and all free-thinkers uniformly and universally agree on this. I stand corrected, and can hardly bear my shame.
Armed with this new revelation, I can look forward to the patronizing nod of recognition I so desperately crave from our paternal intelligentsia, along with the instant rapport I'll finally have with dizzy, self-absorbed college sophomores.
If all of us free-thinking intellectuals continue in our unity as one unstoppable, monolithic mob, we can look forward to an America-free world in our lifetimes. Think of it; rampant genocide, global food shortages, dictators running amok with impunity, increased ignorance, backwardness, scientific stagnation, and a new dark age. I'm so proud that I'm one of the enlightened few ushering in this long-anticipated golden era. I know that history will give me, will give all of us, the recognition we so richly deserve.
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